Remembrance and Renewal - Virtual

Remembrance and Renewal (R&R) is a self-guided experience for staff to remember those that have impacted their lives both personally and professionally. Additionally, it is an opportunity to renew one’s mind, body, and spirit. This event was created to acknowledge and honor the bereavement that hospital workers experience on a day to day basis. Over the next several days, daily activities will be offered, giving staff an opportunity to explore thoughts and emotions surrounding loss, grief, and dying.

To begin the week we invite you to “light a candle.” Lighting candles is a universal practice that allows us to slow down, set our intentions, honor those we have lost or light future paths. The simple process to light your candle is provided at gratefulness.org.

Brought to you by the James Remembrance and Renewal Program Committee

It is no secret that everyone’s lives have been influenced by COVID-19 and these influences have created many losses. The loss of loved ones, loss of social interactions, and loss of financial security are very real. Loss of any kind can result in grief. The smaller changes can impact us as they accumulate too.

It is helpful to acknowledge this grief personally and in our roles at the medical center. Please consider the following meditation:

A Guided Meditation On Encountering Your Grief

by Joan Halifax

I would like to invite you to put down whatever might be in your hand. And to find a position that’s comfortable and also that supports you. And listen to my words. And if they are resonant for you, if they are helpful really let them enter into your experience. And also bring your own experience in your own language to what is being pointed to as we touch into this meditation on grief.

Beginning with remembering really why you’re here.

Bring your attention to the breath for just a moment.

And let the breath sweep your mind and notice whether it’s a deep breath or shallow.

Recall for a moment now a loss or losses that have really touched you, or the anticipation of loss.

I’ll offer some simple phrases that we can touch into around the truth of grief.

May I be open to the pain of grief.

Notice whatever comes up, not rejecting it, not clinging to it.

May I be open to the sorrow, to the pain of grief.

May I find the inner resources to really be present for my sorrow.

May I find the inner resources to really be present for my sorrow.

And notice any judgement or resistance that arises. It’ll pass.

May I accept my sadness knowing that I am not my sadness.

May I accept my sadness knowing that I am not my sadness.

And if you’ve cared for someone and felt like it wasn’t always so easy, reflect on this phrase:

May I forgive myself for not meeting my loved one’s needs.

May I forgive myself for not always being able to meet my loved one’s needs.

And may I forgive myself for mistakes made and things left undone.

So true of all of our life.

May I forgive myself for mistakes made and things left undone.

May to be open with others and with myself about my experience of loss.

May I be open to receive the kindness of others as they support me in this journey of grief.

And completing this brief exploration of grief, may I and all beings learn from and transform sorrow.

May I and all beings learn from and transform sorrow.

Again, noticing whatever is arising for you, whatever thoughts are present, not clinging to them.

Whatever you’re feeling in your heart, how the body feels as you consider the possibility that grief can be a profoundly humanizing experience and bring greater depth into our lives.

Take as much time as you need and return to the present.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s five non-linear stages of grief are fairly well known (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance). However, have you heard of the sixth stage? Dr. Kubler-Ross and a colleague named David Kessler added a new step to the process: finding meaning. This work reflects that through meaning, loss can transform into a hopeful experience. In our changing world due to COVID, there is a sense of a collective grief. A feeling of loss over previous work routines, limited face to face interactions, “normal” activities such as going to the movies or park, or missed milestones like graduations and weddings. While we may be working through the stages toward acceptance, there is hope in our ability to make meaning and transform our experience.

Take a minute to reflect on how you have brought meaning to a situation, loved one, or patient that you have grieved. Reflect privately or share your experience to inspire others.

Some of the best books on grief and loss are written by those who have personal experience. These can feel very relatable and help us to feel less alone. Many other books on grief and loss are written by professionals. These books can help us understand grief and find ways to work through it. Below is a list of highly recommended selections.

1. The Soul of Care by Arthur Kleinman

   A moving memoir and an extraordinary love story that shows how an expert physician became a family caregiver and learned why care is so central to all our lives and yet is at risk in today’s world. When Dr. Arthur Kleinman, an eminent Harvard psychiatrist and social anthropologist, began caring for his wife, Joan, after she was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s disease, he found just how far the act of caregiving extended beyond the boundaries of medicine. In The Soul of Care: The Moral Education of a Husband and a Doctor, Kleinman delivers a deeply humane and inspiring story of his life in medicine and his marriage to Joan, and he describes the practical, emotional and moral aspects of caretaking. He also writes about the problems our society faces as medical technology advances and the cost of health care soars but caring for patients no longer seems important.
   
   

2. Being Mortal by Atul Gawande

   Being Mortal was named Best Book of the Year by The Washington Post, The New York Times Book Review, NPR, and the Chicago Tribune. Through eye-opening research and gripping stories of his own patients and family, Atul Gawande, a practicing surgeon, has fearlessly revealed the struggles of his profession. Riveting, honest, and humane, Being Mortal shows how the ultimate goal is not a good death but a good life-all the way to the very end.
   
   

3. When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi

   #1 New York Times Bestseller • Pulitzer Prize Finalist • Named One of the Best Books of the Year by The New York Times Book Review, People, NPR, The Washington Post, Slate, Harper’s Bazaar, Time Out New York, Publishers Weekly, and BookPage

   At the age of thirty-six, on the verge of completing a decade’s worth of training as a neurosurgeon, Paul Kalanithi was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer. And just like that, the future he and his wife had imagined evaporated. When Breath Becomes Air chronicles Kalanithi’s transformation from a naïve medical student to a neurosurgeon at Stanford working on the brain, the most critical place for human identity, and finally into a patient and new father confronting his own mortality.
   
   

4. Final Gifts by Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley

   In this moving and compassionate classic, hospice nurses Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley share their intimate experiences with patients at the end of life, drawn from more than twenty years’ experience tending the terminally ill. Filled with practical advice on responding to the requests of the dying and helping them prepare emotionally and spiritually for death, Final Gifts shows how we can help the dying person live fully to the very end.
   
   

5. Option B by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant

   From Facebook’s COO and Wharton’s top-rated professor, the #1 New York Times best-selling authors of Lean In and Originals: a powerful, inspiring, and practical book about building resilience and moving forward after life’s inevitable setbacks.

   After the sudden death of her husband, Sheryl Sandberg felt certain that she and her children would never feel pure joy again. “I was in ‘the void,’” she writes, “a vast emptiness that fills your heart and lungs and restricts your ability to think or even breathe.” Her friend Adam Grant, a psychologist at Wharton, told her there are concrete steps people can take to recover and rebound from life-shattering experiences. We are not born with a fixed amount of resilience. It is a muscle that everyone can build.
   
   

6. The Four Things That Matter Most by Ira Byock, M.D.

   Four simple phrases— “Please forgive me,” “I forgive you,” “Thank you,” and “I love you”—carry enormous power to mend and nurture our relationships and inner lives. These four phrases and the sentiments they convey provide a path to emotional wellbeing, guiding us through interpersonal difficulties to life with integrity and grace.

   Dr. Ira Byock, an international leader in palliative care, explains how we can practice these life-affirming words in our day-to-day lives. Too often we assume that the people we love really know that we love them. Using the Four Things in a wide range of life situations, we can experience emotional healing even in the wake of family strife, personal tragedy, divorce, or in the face of death. With practical wisdom and spiritual power, The Four Things That Matter Most gives us the language and guidance to honor and experience what really matters most in our lives every day.
   
   

7. Understanding Your Grief: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart by Alan D. Wolfelt

   Explaining the important difference between grief and mourning, this book explores every mourner's need to acknowledge death and embrace the pain of loss. Also explored are the many factors that make each person's grief unique and the many normal thoughts and feelings mourners might have.
   
   

8. Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief by Martha Whitmore Hickman

A final grief mediation is offered below:

A Meditation on Grief
-JACK KORNFIELD

When after heavy rain the storm clouds disperse, is it not that they’ve wept themselves clear to the end? —Ghalib

Grief is one of the heart’s natural responses to loss. When we grieve we allow ourselves to feel the truth of our pain, the measure of betrayal or tragedy in our life. By our willingness to mourn, we slowly acknowledge, integrate, and accept the truth of our losses. Sometimes the best way to let go is to grieve.

It takes courage to grieve, to honor the pain we carry. We can grieve in tears or in meditative silence, in prayer or in song. In touching the pain of recent and long-held griefs, we come face to face with our genuine human vulnerability, with helplessness and hopelessness. These are the storm clouds of the heart.

Most traditional societies offer ritual and communal support to help people move through grief and loss. We need to respect our tears. Without a wise way to grieve, we can only soldier on, armored and unfeeling, but our hearts cannot learn and grow from the sorrows of the past.

To meditate on grief, let yourself sit, alone or with a comforting friend. Take the time to create an atmosphere of support. When you are ready, begin by sensing your breath. Feel your breathing in the area of your chest. This can help you become present to what is within you. Take one hand and hold it gently on your heart as if you were holding a vulnerable human being. You are.

The grief we carry is part of the grief of the world. Hold it gently.

As you continue to breathe, bring to mind the loss or pain you are grieving. Let the story, the images, the feelings comes naturally. Hold them gently. Take your time. Let the feelings come layer by layer, a little at a time.

Keep breathing softly, compassionately. Let whatever feelings are there, pain and tears, anger and love, fear and sorrow, come as they will. Touch them gently. Let them unravel out of your body and mind. Make space for any images that arise. Allow the whole story. Breathe and hold it all with tenderness and compassion. Kindness for it all, for you and for others.

The grief we carry is part of the grief of the world. Hold it gently. Let it be honored. You do not have to keep it in anymore. You can let it go into the heart of compassion; you can weep.

Releasing the grief we carry is a long, tear-filled process. Yet it follows the natural intelligence of the body and heart. Trust it, trust the unfolding. Along with meditation, some of your grief will want to be written, to be cried out, to be sung, to be danced. Let the timeless wisdom within you carry you through grief and awaken a tender, open heart.

Keep in mind that grief doesn’t just dissolve. Instead it arises in waves and gradually, with growing compassion, there comes more space around it. The heart opens and in its own time, little by little, gaps of new life—breaks in the rain clouds appear. The body relaxes and freer breaths appear. This is a natural cycle you can trust—how life and the heart renews itself. Like the spring after winter, it always does.